You should try CrossFit, according to me, your friend who won't shut up about CrossFit

Feb 23, 2024

I’ve shamelessly stolen and adapted this essay from a McSweeny’s article about running:

Have you tried CrossFit? It’s exhilarating. Really, I mean it. CrossFit changed my life.

Before CrossFit, I’d order a NY Strip without telling everyone I was Paleo. But now, I make sure everyone understands that even my food consumption is in service of my new favorite activity. Bacon just tastes better when you’re lecturing about how fat saturation is a good thing.

And since getting into CrossFit, I’ve bought some truly special specialty gear. I have a full dresser devoted solely to moisture-wicking T-shirts, moisture-wicking leggings, and moisture-wicking socks. Any moisture that tries to come close to me will instantly be wicked. Check out these shoes. They cost two hundred dollars, and the salesperson told me I’ll get shin splints if I don’t replace them every three months. I also bought a special ointment to rub on my nipples.

It’s been so fulfilling to devote myself to becoming good at exercise. The only person I’m trying to beat is me, you know? You don’t know? Don’t worry. I’ll repeat it every opportunity I get so you can never forget it.

Actually, I feel passionately that CrossFit is both exercise and a sport. It’s also a way of life. Ask me to explain it sometime. Or don’t. I still will.

Incessantly talking about CrossFit is a great conversation starter. I can tell people love to hear about it by how they pull out their phones whenever I bring it up. I usually take that as my opportunity to tell whomever I’m talking to that CrossFit is best done with a buddy, and they should text me to get started on a training regimen. Because even though the only person I’m trying to beat is myself, I like beating other people too.

Speaking of competition, we should prepare for a throwdown together. Throwdowns are awesome. Did you know that excessive and competitive performance of GHD situps can cause Rhabdomyolysis? Neither did I until I started CrossFit. But don’t worry, you won’t experience Rhabdo, unless you do, but if you do, it’s your fault for not pacing yourself. Rememeber CrossFit isn’t a competition, except when it is.

CrossFit is the sport of the people. It’s accessible to everyone—you just put on your sneakers and go. Oh, but depending on which throwdown we want to attend, it could cost thousands of dollars. So start saving.

All the money I’ve spent on CrossFit is entirely worth it. CrossFit cured my depression. When you’re trying not to die, all your troubles and concerns just melt away. It’s beautiful. You become really present because CrossFit wears away the cartilage in your shoulder, hip, knee, and ankle joints, which causes such intense pain that you lose the ability to focus on anything else.

CrossFit cured my cancer too. Or it would, if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. And if I were, I’d tell everyone at the chemo-treatment center that they should also try CrossFit—if they want to live, anyway.

I’d also tell the other patients that one time I completed Unbroken (a totally awesome benchmark workout) for cancer research. So, my CrossFit has actually helped cure cancer when you think about it. You’re welcome, medical community.

Seriously, you’re going to love CrossFit. I used to pop a THC gummy now and then, but you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced a near Rhabdo recovery high. It’s totally different. Weed gets you high without you having to do any work. But a CrossFit high comes after you’ve been in the most excruciating pain of your entire life.

And that pain? It lasts at least an hour. Maybe two. Potentially longer. Your body literally thinks something is wrong on a chemical level. Your brain isn’t getting enough oxygen, so it feels like you’re in danger, like you’re one stride away from dropping dead. Just like that Sisyphus guy. But you eventually quit CrossFit only to pick it back up again and start to feel this unbelievable, intense euphoria. It’s amazing.

Or so I’ve heard. I’ve been a CrossFit athlete for only a few weeks, so I have yet to experience any joy in it.

But that’s the beauty of CrossFit. The only person I’m trying to beat is myself. Bet I can finish the next WOD faster than you.